Update on doctors appointment/resting and chitchat!
Oct 24, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1_asCIWiyo

this is my story and welcome to it
[Music]
we're actually off to take me to the
doctor's so I had an appointment on
November 8th but I guess they called me
yesterday and said that the doctor is
gonna be on call and to call first thing
this morning and try and get in like a
same-day appointment because they can
fit me in that way
so I was like oh okay that works so I
called at 7:30 this morning and they
were able to get me in at 11:15 so we
are currently like running a little bit
but it's okay we're gonna make it I am
wearing my jean jacket from torrid I got
this last year and I have yet to wear it
huh okay let's scream anyways I have yet
to wear it yet and I put it on this
morning and oh my gosh it feels so
comfortable like I've tried it on and
stuff but I've never worn it out because
I am really not a jean person I just
never have been so I was really hesitant
on getting a jean jacket I was just like
you know I just don't know if I'm gonna
be comfortable is it gonna be stiff you
know I just I was really unsure and I
put it on this morning and I fell in
love with it I was like yeah this is the
thing so I'm just wearing it over a
black dress to make it easy for the
doctor to see my leg but
anyways yeah I just wanted to check in
with you guys and say good morning and
after my doctor's appointment I will
check in with you guys if I don't check
in with you while I'm there and fill you
in with what's going on so I hope you
guys are having a wonderful start to
your guys's morning as I am it is
getting to be more fallish here it is
getting foggy in the morning that's my
favorite times get to wear like the
comfortable warmer clothes so that's
very exciting and exciting to be able to
wear something that I had bought before
but I haven't had a chance and now that
I've lost some weight it's actually fits
me even better because it actually like
I could close it up if I want to anyways
I will check in with you guys
it definitely plays a big part in how
you feel with yourself so anyways I just
want to check in with you guys let you
know I am here so I am laid up in my bed
pretty much I have been stuck here since
this afternoon my knee is really really
bad really bad and I did I did talk to
the doctor and he is gonna go ahead so
the doctors promote really well
technically since the last time I've
been in the doctor's with him so in
September
I only technically gained a pound since
seen him because I was 441 and I was 442
this morning when I weighed in but I am
up with you guys so
we have a plan of action that we're
taking at the doctor's we're gonna try a
few little things to see if we can't
help sorry guys I'm trying to get this
to lay right so that I don't have to
well I don't know where my phone holder
is I said it somewhere probably what my
kids about a little bit I'm sure um
anyways but the doctor's appointment
went really good I'm gonna take my
glasses off so don't have a glare uh
anyways the doctors are coming really
really really well so we kept all my
pill my my meds the same my pills and he
was so excited to see me like he was
just like oh my gosh he's like Amy
you're doing such an amazing job he's
like you
he took my measurements and I'm doing
multiple measurements on all parts of my
body except for my right leg which is
the one that's obviously bothering me so
that's not going anywhere in fact
actually it's gotten a little bit bigger
which is a little bit of a concern but
it's like okay so anyway so he was
extremely excited to see all of the
changes and I have another appointment
can it be scheduled with him in a month
I'll double check with him again on how
things are going in her exercise wise he
said I'm doing fantastic he's not
worried about where I'm at with my
exercise he said that I'm doing just
what I need to do at the comfortable
amount of you know beena like I'm doing
good at reading my body so if I don't
feel that I'm at a point that day then
like today I walked at a Costco for
about 30 minutes and yeah I was about
almost in tears because I hurt and in
fact it was a little bit of my lower
back and my leg so and I know my back
was hurting from my legs so
I'm just a ball of a mess
I'm baldness I am um but anyways so I
walk through Costco though I was really
tempted to get a cart or um have Ollie
go get me a cart but then I was like no
no no no no I'm gonna do it I'm gonna
push through this and I'm gonna I'm
gonna do this I have to do this I have
to do this for me to continue to proceed
where I need to be so I am definitely
not going in the car unless it's like a
matter of me being able to I like I have
to go in the car for a reason but just
because I'm hurting I don't find that to
be a good excuse anymore because I've
been past that point so it's all good um
what else went on today that was pretty
much it I came home pretty much after
that we wouldn't we ran a couple errands
but then we came home and I literally
have been pretty bed bound the rest of
the afternoon because my leg
I seen it taking the ice off heating it
elevating it I've been pumping my ankle
to keep the fluid pumping through what
else Ben just just basically bed down
but it's been kind of nice to not to not
lie I has been kind of nice because I
have been able to get some stuff done
that I've needed to get done so that
definitely has been nice for me to just
be able to lounge and not have to feel
like I have to be on the go the whole
time tomorrow uh Ollie actually canceled
his appointment to stay home just
because you know what the babies that it
can get kind of difficult and because
the more pressure I put on my leg it
hurts the worst now my doctor did say
that he
is going to send me to an ortho and
we're gonna go ahead and check and see
what's going on with it and then also
with ortho they can they can order an
MRI versus my doctor tried and my
insurance declined it go figure
so they definitely want to get me in
there so they can see what's going on
and why because like if you push on a
certain part in the back of my leg it
literally feels like someone is ripping
at my skin apart and it's because the
thing the mass has gotten so big back
there and it has nowhere else to go so
it's just stretching my leg out and it
hurts so you know I just I'm not letting
it I'm not letting it defined Who I am
and I'm not letting it win this battle
that I'm running for and that's you know
the clearly you know me me not allowing
me not allowing excuses to sabotage what
I've already accomplished and I have
worked so hard for where I've gotten
from and I refuse to go back so even
seeing the pounds that I have gained it
scares me because it's like oh my god
you know I don't want to get back to
this and my body excuse me my body is
one of those type of bodies that it can
gain and it will go from zero to a
hundred like I mean I can put on easily
I could put on 50 pounds in like two two
short months that's how quickly I can
put 50 pounds on it doesn't come short
it doesn't come slow it piles on it it
piles on fast my body is very sensitive
but also when I want to lose weight my
body can shed weight fairly I miss a
fairly easy to a point but it's just it
is what it is
I didn't get to talk with
you guys about my counseling session for
yesterday that went so well I am I just
feel so confident with where we're at
with my progress and we have decided
that we're gonna stick with me going
every week especially because we're
coming up to the holidays and holidays
are kind of rough for me so we've
decided that it would probably be smart
because last year I was actually going
twice a week because that's just how I
was being able to get through it but
this year I am pretty confident that I
don't think I need twice a week I think
that the once a week will still be good
but it's just making sure that you know
I'm staying in check with everything in
with my emotions and stuff like that but
it was a really good a really good
session you know I know that are I'm
starting to find out that there are
people from my past that are watching my
channel and I absolutely love that
people are taking time to watch my
channel and maybe learn where I'm coming
from and maybe learning why I have
reacted the way that I've reacted in the
past and hearing it one-sided so that
there's no confrontation of talking over
the phone or trying to communicate
through like person but being able to
wholeheartedly listen and hear where my
emotions have come from it really makes
me feel good to know that they're taking
their time out of their day to watch my
channel and to hear my story and it kind
of goes into what Monday's counseling
session was about because you know there
are certain traumas in life that happen
that you just want to freeze over and
not ever go back to that you know you
don't want to follow back and you don't
want to
you don't want to you don't want to go
back thinking about it and filling those
trauma fillings because it's definitely
it's not a good feeling obviously that's
why it's called trauma um sometimes
people can be cruel and say well you
know it's been X amount of years and you
know you got a family of your own you're
an adult grow up and get over it
if it was that easy everybody would do
it and there'd be nobody in this world
with mental illness but it's not and the
sad part is is that a lot of times the
trauma that you froze out us some given
point in your lifetime will unthaw and
it will come back and bite you in the
butt harder than you ever imagined and
it will creep up on you when you least
expect it and I I think I've always had
my trauma thawed to a point I think that
I froze my fillings in this sense that I
um I don't think that I allowed my
fillings to come out the way that they
should have come out I think that I
dealt with my feelings the way that I
thought they needed to be dealt with I
think I acted out as a child more so in
in ways of attention because I didn't
receive any of that as a child and and
so forth up until middle of adulthood
really but I didn't really start having
my true feelings unthawed until I
started having kids and that goes into
especially when I had my daughter you
know when I had s aura the whole
molestation of my lifetime
totally flashback to my memory and I had
to revamp and relive that molestation
experience all over again and it wasn't
like you know I mean I have been
molested multiple times as a child but
the worst was from a family member and I
think that's the one that sticks mostly
it doesn't make any of my you know my
situations different they are all wrong
and they're all bad in their own ways
but for some reason that one has been
the one that stuck the most in my memory
up until I had my era and then it was
like all of my molestation experiences
flooded back in my mind and I'll never
forget when I gave birth to her she had
a male doctor or not doctor sorry a male
nurse and I flipped when he because they
took her out because I had c-section
they took her out and they put her on
the warmer and they were cleaning her up
and you know trying to get all of her
stuff taken care of and I just happen to
like glanced over and I could just
barely see but I seen a male nurse
taking care of her and I was like Ollie
go go go go go go go please go with her
please go with her and all he's like
whoa was like going on he's like I'm
just I'm and I'm totally out of it cuz
I'm in surgery at this point I'm just
like go get her go go help her go be
with her I don't want that man next to
her please just don't don't I don't want
a man next to her and all he totally
caught what was happening and so he
stood up and I don't think he really
knew what to do because I mean he was
told to stay sitting in the you know the
stool were next to my head but here I'm
flipping on him and telling him to go
pee with her and so he kind of nudged
the nurse and was like can I stand next
to the baby and and the nurses like is
everything okay and I'm like no it's not
I don't want a male nurse with my
daughter I need him away from her please
get
our way please get her away from him and
the nurse the male nurse kind of looked
at me like whoa and you know and after
everything was said and done and I was
in my recovery room I explained to them
what had happened and that it was just
like a flashback and they apologized up
and down side to side I mean they just
apologized and the male nurse came in
and apologized and said he was so sorry
that he didn't mean to make that an
uncomfortable situation and I apologized
you know and but I'm to this day I'm
still very very precautious about who
comes around her because it's my duty as
her mother to keep her safe because I
unfortunately didn't have that
protection and there was some dirty men
that got ahold of me and took my
innocence away when I should have been
guarded but I didn't have that and so
dealing with trauma sometimes it can
creep up on you when you least expect it
and that's what happened it I was not
prepared for that but I was just like I
knew my daughter was born it's my job to
protect the flashbacks start flashing
back as I'm being sewed up under the
table and here I see a man standing over
my daughter I was just like oh no no no
no no no no this isn't gonna happen so
when people say you know you're you've
grown and you're older now get over it
no no you're never too old to have
trauma come back to you there you're
never too old to have a flashback
because that's what trauma is is
flashbacks from the past PTSD and I was
diagnosed with that last year and
unfortunately I have flashbacks quite
often of my childhood and it sucks you
know I wish that I could block all that
out but then is that very healthy to
block out no I have to deal with it
head-on so step by step this week is
the week that I I'm gonna be writing
some serious letters I don't know if
those letters are gonna go out I don't
know what I'm gonna do with them just
yet but these letters are letters that I
need to write for my own validation
because I have looked for validation for
most of my childhood up to adulthood
from trauma that has happened in the
people that caused the trauma have had
nothing but excuses and to me that's not
validation that to me is basically guess
you would say sweeping it under the rug
and not not dealing with it and that's
pretty sad that that's sad that you can
allow somebody that has been tortured
and traumatized to continue feeling that
way because you can't validate
somebody's feelings and so these letters
are basically a closure for me so that I
can close this chapter and be able to
really wholeheartedly move on to healing
and setting a point and the thing is is
that even if this causes relationships
to stumble and maybe even end sometimes
that's maybe the healthiest thing so I
don't know exactly where this is gonna
take me and what the journey is gonna
take me for my washer is off of balance
that's great that's great but at least I
know that I am doing everything that I
need to for my therapy and for my
counseling and for my healing so that I
can be the best person for my children
and that goes along with my love letter
to myself you know loving myself
accepting myself for who I
for what I am and for nothing less
because I know that I am I know I'm
worthy of so much and I don't give
myself enough credit I I really don't
and that has really started to change
because now I can look at myself and say
you know what you can do this you are
able to do this and you are worthy
enough to figure it out and do it and
with my weight loss it's the same thing
you know what I can do this is it gonna
be easy no it's not are there gonna be
days where you want to throw your hands
up oh yeah but at the end of the day Who
am I doing this for for me to continue
to love myself be on this earth as long
as I can for my children for my husband
for myself you know and to be happy and
not live a miserable life because I
chose to not take care of the hurt and
pain that I have endured as a child that
has kind of poured into my adulthood and
has not allowed me to be a hundred
percent who I want to be and who I
should be because I've stood behind my
trauma and have allowed it to basically
lead me where it's gonna take me in life
and hasn't led me very far because
basically it leads me to the cupboards
into the frigerator that's where that's
where I've been led but now I've taken
the the steering wheel back and I'm just
like no I'm I'm not when I'm struggling
and when I'm frustrated I'm not gonna go
to the frigerator to the cupboards I'm
gonna get going and I'm gonna go for a
walk or I'm gonna go listen to an audio
book or maybe I'm gonna sit down and do
a puzzle with my kids or color or
whatever it might be you know because
sometimes just being with my babies is
all I need to make my day better
so anyways and then some people haven't
asked me about the preschool I had to
take a break with my preschool because
my
laptop decided to poopy due out on us so
we had to fix it and it is now working
so now I can get back on printing off
their learning pages and stuff I was
gonna start today actually but it didn't
work because I had my doctor's
appointment stuff so I'll probably do it
tomorrow because always staying home so
it would be easier for me to do it you
can get the stuff off from the tall
shelf and bring it down to me so we're
gonna get back to preschool for sure and
I think that's it I I think next week my
is out of school for a day or something
something's coming up I think Veterans
Day or something I don't know I was
looking at my calendar but anyways and
then let's see what what ails Oh about
the name thing so what I think I've
decided to do is I I am gonna make two
channels I think that's gonna be my
probably my smartest bet is to go ahead
and make two channels one for my for my
design business and then one for my
daily vlogs that way you guys can bounce
from channel to channel some people
aren't gonna be into my business channel
some might not be into my daily vlog
channel but you guys have the option to
be towards both and that way then I can
go ahead and make like my Facebook page
for my business my well eventually I
want to do a website because I'm gonna
go all out and I'm doing this the right
way
and I'm so excited I am just I'm so
excited I can't wait um so anyways but I
am thinking about that I have seen some
amazing names you guys some amazing
names so here's the thing I need two
names I need one for my business with
the designing and it's not just gonna be
the tumblers Kay
it's gonna be home decor it's gonna be
the the glittering of the tumblers it's
gonna be a whole bunch of different
things so it's tons of different stuff
so I need one for my home from home one
for my business page one for the YouTube
vlog daily vlogging page so keep in mind
those two because I would like to
possibly change the name on both of them
what else
[Music]
oh and then also don't forget October
26th at 5 p.m. Pacific Standard Time if
I could say right I'm gonna be live for
an hour so from 5 to 6 p.m. and that's
when I'm gonna be doing the live drawing
for the fall breeze giveaway um so if
you guys want to have a chance to be put
into that drawing please make sure that
you guys email me at Amy 1981 ramadan @
gmail.com to put your name in also my
email address is down in the description
box please please please please please
get on top of that so you guys can be
entered into it and no you do not have
to be on the live while i'm calling the
name to be the winner it's just once I
close the live then you have 24 hours
from that time so you'll have basically
24 hours from 6:00 p.m. the day prior to
email me and say hey it's me here's my
address and then I can get you out your
wreath so anyways I really honestly am
so grateful again I continue to see my
channel growing more you guys I am over
600 subscribers and I am just so
thrilled I it's an amazing feeling I am
so happy and it this just all could not
be coming at a better time for my for me
for my life and
for everything going on with us and I'm
so excited that I've been able to take
you guys along for this entire journey
and from the starting from the very very
very day that I started you guys have
been able to be a part of this and yeah
there have been days where we've had
really good days and we've had days that
have been really bad days you know this
is called a journey for a reason you
know I thought about even changing the
YouTube name - Amy's journey for the
YouTube channel for my vlogs just
because it really is a journey it's
there's so much that we go through and
when I say we I'm talking about me and
you you I'm talking about you we go
through this together and emotionally
you guys are just as involved in this as
I am and you know as it as this is in a
journey as this is a journey and not a
diet please keep that in mind that there
are going to be days where I do go up
and wait there's gonna be days where I
go terminus ly down and wait there's
gonna be days where I can't get up and
exercise because of a body body function
that's just not working right and
there's n be days where I can hit the
workout and I can do an amazing job
that's part of a journey and I am not
telling myself that this is gonna happen
overnight because it's not and I don't
want it to this is a journey for a
reason I did not become fat overnight
and I'm not gonna become skinny
overnight
norther do I want to become skinny
overnight sibling rivalry
one hit the other one lovely and the
other one comes screaming on my door I'm
like oh my god what's going on anyway
I'm done I've just done dad so much for
ya now relaxing and not bouncing up off
the bed and limping to the door goodness
it is back to my serious talk but I just
wanted to make that a reminder that you
know this isn't gonna happen overnight
and I'm not expecting it to I'm taking
every day as it is there's days that I
crave something I
to allow myself to have in those days
where I crave something excuse me
craze something and I can get myself out
of it it's all part of being a human
being
it really is it's all part of being a
human being and I'm not a robot and
neither are you guys so we're all doing
this together and I am so proud of every
one of you the ones that have gained
weight you know what we are human it's
gonna happen and it doesn't mean just
because you've gained weight that you
have to throw the talent and be done
brush your knees off jump back up and
say I can do this and I'm going to do
this take small steps don't expect to
take these huge bouncing steps like when
I very first started I'll never forget I
said in the first 90 days that I'm gonna
lose 150 pounds really like it probably
could have been possible but I would
have been eating like a bunny and I
would have been eating like a bird and
by the end of it I would have gained
probably some of that back because
what's 150 pounds to lose in 90 days
that's almost losing well I mean
technically you're gonna lose more than
a pound a day if you want to lose 150
pounds in 90 days so it's just it's not
something that I at the end of the day
wanted to do and I won't do and so yeah
I just I just wanted to keep it
encouraging all of you guys that you
know what we're in this together we're
all on this journey I don't ever judge
any of you and I would just hope that
nobody judges me because we're all human
and we're all in this together and we
all can be here to encourage each other
support each other and always reminding
each other that even if we mess up brush
your knees and let's just keep going
you have my hand and I know I have all
of your guys's hands and we're doing
this together we're walking through
these journeys together and some days
are gonna be good some days we're not
gonna that's part of life that's the
joys of being a human so anyways I
really hope you guys enjoyed this vlog
today is
as I did other than I'm tired in my knee
hurts but I will check you with you guys
again tomorrow not sure what the plan is
gonna be tomorrow if my knees feeling
better we might have a busy day but if
it's not feeling very good you guys
might catch me on my bed most of the day
but either way I will check in with you
guys you will see me for sure tomorrow
and then until then though good night
you guys sweet dreams